Last year, I started a relationship with a woman. I had always dated men and was never
interested in dating women. But I’m attracted to this particular person and her personality.
A friend helped me, when I was questioning myself, by telling me “you’re attracted to
personality, not parts or pronouns.” But I’m struggling to reconcile the ideas I have had
(for 30 years) of what my family would look like and the idea that I may have a wife in
the future.
Hello, it’s understandable that you would have these thoughts. As you mentioned, for 30 years you’ve envisioned what a family would be like and now you are realizing that your desired reality may be very different from how you imagined it would turn out. It’s completely normal to be struggling around such a major shift in your life. Only you know what feels good and right for you. From what you shared it sounds like you are very serious about the woman you are in a relationship with and thinking about a potential future with her.
Many are socialized from when they are very young to think that there is only one acceptable way to be in love and have a healthy relationship. Some realize later on that there are multiple ways to love someone and that love can absolutely be healthy and beautiful between people of the same gender. If the person you are currently with ends up being your wife, you can decide together how you define family and what works best for you both.
It may be helpful to connect with others who may be going through similar experiences. Here are two online resources that include compilations of stories from women who are dating women and other personal stories that you may relate to: http://www.lesbianchatonline.com/lesbians-coming-out.html
and http://lgbt.foundation/information-advice/coming-out-support/coming-out-your-stories/.
Here is a quote that may resonate with you: “Love is pure and true; love knows no gender.” We are always here if you find you should want to reach out again.
~Ally