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Dear Ally,
I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want to be a boy either. I was born a girl and at times it makes me miserable. I’m going through puberty and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It’s sort of like really wanting a television, but getting a computer instead. You can watch movies on it and change how it looks, but it’s really just a computer. The thing is, I don’t want to have the body of a girl, but I don’t want the body of a boy either. I’m too young to make any major changes. Is there some other way I can have the best of both worlds? Or any suggestions on how to handle my situation?


Dear V,

First, I want to commend you for reaching out to share your experience and to seek support. Your feelings and experience of not wanting to be a girl and not wanting to be a boy either are completely normal. Gender has no boundaries and there are infinite ways a person can identify their gender across a huge spectrum. Some people feel like their gender is fluid and may feel like a girl sometimes and like a boy other times. Some people feel like they are both female and male at the same time. Others do not feel like they are a boy or a girl. All of these identities and ways of feeling are valid.

With that being said, it doesn’t mean it feels comfortable or good going through puberty. It can be stressful and really hard to experience aspects of puberty make you feel discomfort or like your mind and body aren’t aligned. You mentioned being too young to make any major changes. If you were to ever feel like you wanted to explore things like hormone blockers you would be able to do this but only with consent and support from a parent/guardian. Some people like to express their gender through fashion and/or pronouns (aka the way a person prefers to be referred to). Some people who may identify as non-binary (meaning outside the binary system of gender) prefer gender-neutral pronouns such as they/them/their. Another thing to acknowledge is that not everyone understands or accepts that there are more than two genders and this can be frustrating and challenging to navigate. It can help to talk to and connect with others who may have similar experiences. There are people who might try to tell you who they think you are based on their own beliefs and perceptions, but the only person who knows who you are, how you feel on the inside, and how you identify your gender is YOU. No one can take that away from you.

Here are some resources that may be useful:

Please know that you can always reach out again any time.

Be well,